What a woman of 45 should know about family trees!

My great great grandmother, Mary Millman, was quite a problem to her husband.

She suffered with depression as a young woman, and sometimes lapsed into gloomy moods, so her relatives hoped she would find married life beneficial. Her aunt Priscilla wrote to her just after her wedding in 1878, saying, “I quite fancy I can see you in your pretty home with quite enough to do to prevent melancholy. It must be nice for your good husband to have some one to welcome him home after the fatigue of the day.“

Sadly, this optimism was unfounded. Mary missed her childhood home in Ryde, Isle of Wight, once she and her husband George moved to London, where he worked as a clerk in a counting-house. After their only son died of diphtheria, aged only ten months, her condition became more severe, and her husband George was deeply concerned.

Ten years younger than his wife, George Millman had little or no experience of women, so he purchased two books: What a Young Wife Ought to Know and What a Woman of Forty-Five Ought to Know, by Mrs Emma F Angell Drake, M.D.

The second book clearly demonstrates how reaching the menopause was seen as the commencement of old age, referring to women of that age as bearing their years bravely, and reminding readers that a woman of forty-five should disabuse her mind of the thought that her usefulness is passed. The book warns of the evil effects of social excesses, late hours, high living [and] nervous excitement during the menopause, and suggests that drinking large quantities of strong tea could result in inflammation of the nerves, and even in insanity.

George added pencil lines beside certain paragraphs, presumably those he found most telling or useful. One of these suggests that misery or happiness is a matter of attitude: No sunshine can scatter the gloom of a heart given to brooding, nor can any clouds depress the soul that is thankful. It makes little difference what you have or where you are, but counts much what you are. A naturally ebullient person himself, he may not have realised that reading this to his wife may only have made the poor woman feel worse – not only was she miserable, but it was her own fault!

In the first book, What a Young Wife Ought to Know, Mrs Drake has something to say on the the subject of family history:

So, my dears, go patiently back through the lines of your ancestry and learn your heritage… There is something, perhaps, in a family tree that is desirable; but one to my liking must contain more than the names of the ancestors. Each must have his prominent characteristics attached, his failures and his successes, as necessary guides for his descendants. It might not in many instances engender family pride, while on the other hand, they could certainly be made a great incentive to noble endeavour.

I’d certainly agree with that sentiment – not that my life has featured much in the way of impressive achievements.

What of Mary Millman? Did she attempt any noble endeavour? Probably not, as she ended up being admitted to Shenley mental asylum.

Too much reckless tea-drinking, I expect.